ranking sucks.

i finally put in my finalized list the last morning i could and how i got there is a foggy haze. but in the end, like so many of our predecessors, the decision was mostly gut and some part brain.

i made a list with the most rational career decisions. it was clearly a black and white issue. but then i was reminded of personal needs and wants. and then i was reminded that maybe what i want now will be the exact opposite of what i want later. and then i realized i had no freaking idea what i even wanted now.

that was 10 days ago.

so then i made a new list. i agonized over it. i considered the actuals and then the potentials. i struggled over how to measure a potential future/happiness/pain to the actual possibilities of future/happiness/pain i had in front of me.

i agonized more.

so then i started asking for advice from every single person i knew. all the while, i knew that everyone's advice came from their own life experiences. that the regrets/happiness they had experienced and the happiness they wanted me to experience would color their thoughts on my own rank list. and i knew that my own hopes and dreams were preventing me from seeing myself in a clear light.

but can anyone really see me in a completely objective light? who knows more about all the personal subtleties involved with placing one program/location over another than me?

i just finalized my list this morning. and i feel well. my brain keeps running in circles but my gut is calm. and since my gut has as many neurons as my brain, i feel like this is the right choice.

that's the beauty of being human. we can rationalize all we want. we can assign percentages and make enormous spreadsheet charts. but really, isn't the future what we make of it? if you want to be happy, you WILL be happy. if you want to be disappointed, you ultimately will. whatever happens on match day, i'm going to choose the former. i can't wait.